My Weight Loss Journey: Past, Present,and Future

A Story About The Begining

2010-10-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

2010-01-05T09:42:00.001-08:00

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'Mo Money, Mo Problems'? It means when you have more, you get more. Good and Bad. I realized today that is most likely the most genius phrase ever made. I was thinking about that and realized that ground breaking phrase really explains my life lately. Now do not get me wrong. I am a broke college student that buys generic peas. Green Giant is just a brand. I am not talking about money. 'Mo Money, Mo Problems' explains many aspects of life. In my case, weight loss. The thinner and healthier I got, the more life I gained. Metaphorically and physically. Most likely I have gained years to my life by lowering my BMI ten points, but even more importantly I gained life experiences. Good and Bad.

When I was 19 years old starting this journey,I thought life was going to be Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows. I was going to get thin and everyone was going to love me. I would have a perfect relationship with everyone I knew and it would be all due to me being thin. Now I realize that bringing in new experiences ,such as weight loss, brought in good and bad experiences with it. Now of course I am happy that I lost my weight. I would not be the woman I am today without learning how to take care of myself and changing my life for the better. However this experience has also been a huge slap of reality for me because I realize life never ends until it does. I will always have struggles. Maybe I wont struggle anymore with weight, but I could with somthing completely different or new. Life is always full of experiences. My weight problems were always my main problem growing up, so I guess I was completely oblivious to other problems that life brings. Now I see there are other things that I will always battle.

Being overweight my whole life made me always feel I needed to be the entertainer. I thought I needed to compensate for my outer appearance, so I made sure to be the comic relief at all times. This never went away. I am now a skinny girl with a fat girls humor. I am always so animated and goofy. I actually have a problem with being serious. This was alot more acceptant when I was heavier. Some people now just seem to think I am trying to show off or get more attention. The strangest thing of all of this is the things I used to do to make people laugh, now just makes some of them talk behind my back. It is not as accepting anymore to always be a character, when you no longer look the part.

I realize now losing weight is a lot like earing money. We all are capable of doing it, it is just if we have the motivation to do so. 'Mo Money, Mo Problems' is now my new catch phrase when people ask me about my weight loss. People always want to know how it feels and I can not exactly tell you how it feels, because it did not happen over night. It was a gradual growth. However I will say once more that life never ends until it does. We will always be given good and bad experiences in our lives, it is what we make out of it.

Bigger Hands Than Mine

2009-10-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

This morning I unknowingly woke up as the person I strived to be since January 8th 2008. About 22 months ago, as I blew out my 19 candles on the last delicious thing I would eat in a very long time, I made a wish to myself to find out what my life would be like happy and healthy. I did not want to spend any more days being the Shannon I was. From there on I worked harder than I ever had towards anything in my life. For the first time ever, I committed my life to myself. 22 months ago, I dreamed that the day I would make it to my goal weight I would have everything together. I envisioned myself not having any problems at all.

Through out this whole journey, I have experienced a lot of things I had not before. Since I started this whole thing I have gone off to college for the first time, lived in my first apartment, and adopted my first dog. Since 22 months ago, I have had my first kiss, had my first date , and had my first real love. Since I blew out those 19 candles on the most moist and rich cake I have ever had, I have been in my first size 10, first size 8, first size 6, first size 4, and first size 2. These experiences were all things I day dreamed about for what seems like my whole life. I thought if I was just thin I could have the whole world in the palm of my hands.

However, I learned through out this whole journey that there are just some things that I can not control. I have gotten pretty stubborn in thinking that I can make anything happen. I made myself thin. I thought that was all I needed to be a complete person. My father had always aquatinted being thin with being happy. I guess at some point in my life I adapted that theory as my own. I thought I should now never take no for an answer. I thought I could always make things turn my way if I just tried as hard as I can.

This obession of making everything go my way turned me into the most neurotic control freak in the world. I realize now I have always been a perfectionist. However, instead of what I would of done when I was heavier, which was take things as they are, I took it to another level and decided to never let things fall out of my hands.

In some ways this really helped me. It helped me continue to lose weight because plateaus are tough. I needed this 'not going to stop until I finish' mood for that goal. This also got me to college. I had to work hard and not let things get in my way. However, this new sense of thinking hurt me in the long run.

I thought I could make my life the fairy tale I dreamed as I did when I was a chubby 10 year old doing step aerobics. I had the chances now. I have the body, the new confidence, and then new experiences to make my life exactly how I want it. However as I get older I realize that it does not matter, what I look like, who I am, and how hard I worked to be this person, my life has never really been in my hands.

Now do not get me wrong, I know I have a say in how my life is. I wanted to lose weight, so I did. That was in my control. There are some things in the world I can definitely control. I control when I eat, when I sleep, what I wear, and who I am. However, there are some things I cannot control. I cannot control what people think of me. I cannot control who I meet. I cannot control who I love. I cannot control who loves me. Some parts of my life are just never going to be in my hands. This scarred me for a short while recently because I thought I could make situations happen regardless if others did not want to. This drove me near insane trying to control how people felt about me and how they saw me.

I realize now that the best thing I can do for myself is to stop trying to make my world happen because its already happened. I have a great life. I trust where its going. I know my life is not in my hands, but it is in hands. It is very big hands. The hands that watch over all of us. I realize now and today as I type that I had given myself to much power on how my life has been and realize now that my life has already been planned for me. I am supposed to be Shannon Seaback. Thats all I know for now. I know that God and fate has an amazing plan for me because I am already living the plan. With all the good experiences and bad ones, I will still always me. I think I like me.

I Am Not Your Kimmy Gibbler Anymore

2009-07-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

In any 90's family sitcom,the main character always had a less succesfull friend. Boy Meets World had Shawn Hunter, Fresh Prince of Bell-Air had DJ Jazzy Jeff, and Full House had Kimmy Gibbler, to name a few. They were never created to steal the show, but mearly there to help shine light on the main character. The friend would usually be the comic relief. When one of these characters was in a scene, they stole the show. However, they were never meant to be a huge character. Now some of them did end up getting top billing. The reason why is because viewers like the underdog.The other characters on the show would usually make fun of them alot. This made the viewer want to root for the sidekick. A great example is Steve Urkel. In the first two seasons of Family Matters, Urkel would be in an episode once and awhile for a scene or two. He would constantly be told to "Go Home" or "Shut Up". Other than being annoying, he was actually a very pleasant guy. He always had a smile on his face and he never said a bad word about anyone. Even though the family let it be known they found him annoying, he still showed nothing but love and compasion to all of them. Urkel ended up being the main character of the show because he never let the other characters knock him down. The viewer was able to look at the situation from the outside and see that they personally had nothing against Steve Urkel. It was the viewers job to root for Steve, because noyone else would.
I grew up watching all of these shows with the underlying message that if you were excentric or different, you fell in the sidekick role. D.J Tanner on Full House had a best friend that noyone in the house liked. She was funny, different, and stole the show whenever she entered the scene. It really did not make any sense that the family did not like Kimmy Gibler. She was a good kid, but she was friends with D.J Tanner. D.J had the best hair, the best grades, and the cutest boyfriend. How could Kimmy even compare?

Since I could remember, I was always best friends with the "top dog". They were the ones that got first in the talent show, or got crowned prom queen. I was a normal kid. I had some accomplishments and some failures. I had some A's and some F's. I was good at many things, but never as good as the person that would sit next to me. I always fell just a little bit short in everything I did. I was the "Kimmy Gibbler" for everyone. I was the girl that had potential but never followed through. I was the best friend that made the other feel good about themself. In any comparison of who was better at anything, I would purposely fall short. I was there to make the other one look good.

At the age of 20, I have realized this challenge will never leave me. I will always be given the "top dogs" in my life. However my job is to not fall short to help them continue there sucess. I have learned that alot of teen "top dogs" fizzle when they get older. Why would they put effort in something if they never had to before? I had realized that being " Kimmy Gibbler" had taught me alot for my future. I had to learn how to suceed with more effort than the "D.J Tanners" or the "Tapangas" had to. All the cries I had to my mother about how I had to spend 5 hours on homework to get the same grade that my best friend got for spending 20 minutes on, ended up helping me in the long run. I was learning the real world at a very young age. This sucked might I add. I had to watch my best friends throughout the years win awards, get boyfriends, and make honor roll while I sat in a sylvan labs and got teased by boys. I wished I had the amazing life my other friends seemed to have. However, I realized that I am thankful for never being the "top dog" in my life already, because that would mean my day would have already come and gone.

I like that I have my time still on its way. When it does come to me, I will not let it leave me. I have worked so hard to not be a "Kimmy Gibbler" and I am glad that I am now a girl that makes sure that everyday is better than the next. I am a girl that works hard for her sucesses and never lets them float away. I am not a 90's sitcom sidekick anymore. I am a main character in my own life. I am a "Shannon Seaback".

So Now You Want Me To Eat Taco Bell?

2009-07-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

Throughout my weight loss journey, I have experienced a lot of changes. In the last year, I have swam in so many pant sizes, tied up so many drawstrings, and darted so many dresses. These changes came a little bit each day, slowly getting me used to my new life. However there is one thing that I just got punched in the face with.
I am now only ten pounds away from my goal weight. I look pretty good. I know that is weird to say about yourself, but I figure if I waited this long and worked so hard, I should be able to flatter myself. Since January 8th 2008, I have been on a constant weight loss wagon where not only I tracked my progress, but everyone else in my life did too. If I wanted Taco Bell, there was always someone to say " Are you still on your diet?" .....I would reply with "Damn. Fine, I will have one fresco taco and a water". Sometimes I just wanted to eat something 'bad'. My people would not let me. They would constantly let me know to "keep up the good work" which if anyone is still losing weight knows that really means "I have noticed you have lost weight, but you still are fat". It's ok, They dont know any better.
I have been prepared for every little thing that my weight loss was hopefully going to bring. I prepared for a boyfriend. Check. I prepared for my body to look different. Check. I prepared for this wonderfull day of finally getting to my goal weight......uhhh no check.
A year ago in my fat naive mind, I thought getting this close to my goal would be monsterous. People would ask me "How did you do it?" and say things like" You are my inspiration". Now, I am not saying I have not heard these things during my weight loss journey, but I thought it would be a flood of compliments. Most importantly I thought I would not have any more cynical talk from people. I thought my life would mirror a 'Biggest Loser' finale. I wanted confetti to fall on me while my parents cry in complete joy while holding a huge check. I wanted people wanting to know exactly what I did so they could follow in my example. What I got was a punch in the face of reality.
People are going to be proud of you and supportive until you actually look thin. Then all the 'great jobs' and 'wow, you look greats' disapear. Why? I am still doing well. Why aren't you telling me still? Something changed. I am now not in the category of people that other people think they need to compliment anymore. They assume I have heard it all before and I know how good I look. Wake up people, I still want the compliments! I did not run so hard until I hit the kitchen tile to get quiet smiles of validation. I need the "you look greats!
Now, I am not saying people are ignoring my weight loss. I am just saying it is coming in different forms. I went from "keep it ups!" to " you need to eat something". What?! Dont you people know I worked hard for this loss. I do not understand how they can see me losing 60 pounds by healthy eating and excersise, but the second I am 'thin', I lost the weight by starving myself. Get ready weight losers. When you get thin, people start throwing jokes about eating disorders. I was hungry the other day, and my father jokes" let me get you the cracker and grape". Why all of the sudden I cant be thin? All of these "keep it ups" to inforce me to get to my goal weight, which I still have not met. Now everybody is telling me when I finally do meet this goal, I will be too thin?? This does not make sense!
Something is in our system tells us to not like thin people. Even if we want to be thin. So now that I am, people dont like me. I am a "Skinny Bitch". I am a "threat to women". Now, I am not complaining. Being called a skinny bitch was probably the best moment of my life. I just thought once I got to this weight I would have gotten a different response. I guess I am now one of them. a thin girl. uhhh. I used to hate them....I love it though :)

I Think I Dont Need You Anymore, Now Go Away

2009-06-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Last Bit Of Fat,

I have ran. I have starved. I have pulled-up. I have sweat! What more do you want!? I am following all the last requests you have of me before you said you would go away. Im ready for your exit. You are taking your sweet little time. I dont want you anymore.

Now, I guess you were convenient at the time. I could walk by construction workers without them cat calling. I could go to walmart after 10 pm. I could blame you for not being outgoing and not wanting to risking rejection. Most importantly, we had some yummy times. I could eat what ever I wanted, but man are you hungry.

I had made the hard decision of terminating you. It was tough, because I knew I would have to sacrifice a lot to get you to go away.

I have worked so hard the past year and a half. Now its just a waiting game. If I wanted to use puns, I would say its a "weighting" game, but I am not lame. I know its hard to leave me. I took very good care of you. I fed you well.

For the last year and a half though I have tortured you. You hate fruit! You hate salad! You hate running, it makes you jiggle! I would have thought you would of packed up and left by now.

I am writing you to warn you the torture will never end. Until you leave, I will make your life hell.

Sincerely Shannon,

PS: We are running tommorow.

I dont want to be Oprah

2009-06-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am a religous Oprah watcher. I dont think I can make a decision or atleast a Chistmas list without Oprah. She is the most succesful broadcast journalist ever. She is one of the richest women in the world. She is friends with the President of the United States for Petes sake!

Her Life is the closest to perfect than I think any woman has ever had. She has a succesful career that she loves. She has a boyfriend of over 30 years that she is in love with and content enough to not need a contract saying so. It even seems like she has friends that do not take advantage of her constant wealth. So, why do I not want to be Oprah you ask?

If I had Oprah's life, I would be so frustrated with myself. I would have worked so hard for my career. I would have had a great boyfriend for over 30 years. I would have so much money, I could open schools in Africa. I would have a voice that people that did not ever even meet me in person would listen to and follow. All of these things would be incredible. This would be my ideal life. However, there is one huge elefant in the room.

All of Oprah's success is overshadowed by one big thing. Her constant battle of her weight. This is a woman that could have the most completely perfect life ever created, except for her weight problems. Who could do this to her? She could be absolutley perfect! Who is letting her battle this while she should be focusing on her wonderful success and life she created? The answer is Oprah.

She is the one that is holding herself back. She has every duck in a row, except for this. The reason I dont want to be Oprah is I would be miserable if I had worked so hard for everything, but hated myself. She resents herself so much, that she has abused her body with food since she has been famous. She obsesses over weight loss. She has an episode dedicated to weight almost every week. Now I know weight loss is hard to do when you are that busy, but lets not forget she is rich. She could hire every fitness and health guru ever made and lose weight as fast as Janet Jackson or Britney Spears does before a tour. She chooses to stay unhealthy. She is her biggest enemy. She holds the key to her absolute happiness, but she wont give herself that.

I want to have a successfull career. I want to have a wonderful long lasting relationship. I want to be financialy set for life. However, the most important thing I want is to be healthy and happy. I dont want to be self destructive. I want to continue success and not let a life long weight battle get my head so much that I cannot ever be truly happy.

This is not an Oprah bash by the way. I love Oprah. I just wish she would finish her last goal for good so she could accomplish the best life she could. I wish for everybody to make sure that they are never the reason they are not truly happy with themselves. It is our duty to make sure we are as well as we can be.

My Most Recent "I Made It" Moment

2009-06-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

In all honesty if jean sizes and scales did not exist, I would not know I have lost so much weight. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a little change once in a while. Unless I am looking at a picture at my complete heaviest, I really do not see it. It is not that I dont know I have lost weight. It is just I see myself everyday, so it is more of a subtle change for me than someone that has not seen me in a year. I have realized that people that have lost alot of weight, really do need the pats on the back. Most of us dont really have the most honest body image. We either think we are thinner than we really are, or heavier. Most people that have lost weight or are in the process of losing weight still probably think they are alot heavier looking than they actually are. What helps us weight losers are people that tell us they notice a difference. That little encouragement goes so far. It keeps me going. This brings me to the coolest story ever.

I have been back here in Hunstville for the past week and a half. During this time, I have focused alot on working closer to my weight loss goal. This has sped up the process, and I have lost 12 pounds in a week and a half! Other than school 10-2, I am not around civilazation. I run outside and I eat at my apartment. The other day, I went to shell to get some gas. I went inside the store to pay for it and payed with my debit card. The cashier asked me if I wanted to pay credit or debit and I replied with credit because I was being lazy and did not want to take the time to put in my pin code. He said that was fine, but he needed to see my license. When I gave him my license, he looked at it for a very long time. He then looked back at me with a cynical eye. He said he was sorry, but he could not accept my license because it looked nothing like me. I assured him the picture in the license was for sure me, but it was taken a year and a half ago, on my 19th birthday. I had then realized I have lost so much weight that I look unreconizable!

It took that cashier to refuse my license for me to realize I had changed my whole self. I am in no way the same girl that posed for that picture in my license. I am sure that cashier did not know that the simple denial of my license made my day. I am so happy. I have always hated that license photo and for someone to tell me that I did not look like that girl in the photo made me feel like a huge brick had been lifted off my shoulders...or tummy. I am not that girl anymore. I am stronger, wiser, and healthier. I am Shannon

Never Thought I Would Get This Far

2009-06-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

On my 19th birthday, I went to the doctors for my yearly check-up. As I stepped on the dreaded scale, my weight managed to even shock the nurse. At 5'5, I was 216 pounds . I had come to grips that I was big, but I didnt think I was THAT big. I was mortified, terrified..any other fied . How could I have gotten to this weight? Needless to say I had a revelation. I, at the age of 19, could not fathom that I could be this weight for any longer. I HAD to do something. Not just for vanity, but for my well being. I did not want to spend my whole life wondering what I would be like thin, or what oportunities I could have.

My father has been heavy my whole life. Since I have known him, he has just excepted that he was heavy and that there was not anything he could do about it. I realized I was adapting this train of thought. Its easier to think its beyond my control, than actually doing something about it. I had to realize I was not the victom, I was the culprit. I did this to myself, and I can undo this to myself. I had no idea what I was getting into. What got me to the gym is the fantasy of what it would be like to be thin. I was ready to experience a new world.

I started by doing the South Beach Diet for the first two weeks. I did not want to do something nuts like the cabbage soup diet. I wanted to just get a jump start, but be able to keep the weight off. In one month I lost 20 pounds. I was so happy. My motivation was finally up. I CAN do this. I CAN lose weight just like everybody else. I had thought that my body was this slow crappy shell that could not lose weight unless under drastic extreme measures, like not eating for a week. I could not believe that I was actually losing weight eating five small meals a day and working out for an hour 5-6 days a week. It was not as tough as I had thought. Food was not the enemy. I was. I was the one that kept me heavy.

By the summer of 2008, I had used my continuing weight loss as a motivation to be able to do anything I put my mind to. I was never that greatest of a students. My TERRIBLE high school GPA was so bad, I could not go off to school. I went to community college and stayed at home. After a year of this and half way through starting my weight loss journey, I had realized I wanted to go somewhere. Since I had been a small little child I had wanted to be on TV. With my strange, crazy, qiurky personality, I had been told multiple times that I would be a good television personality. The only thing that was holding me back was school. I could not fathom making the grades to be able to get to an actual college. By May, I had lost 30 pounds. With losing that weight, it had given me the motivation to be able to do anything . I studied like I never studied before. By July, I had been accepted to Sam Houston State University. My weight loss was giving me confidence to do anything!

During that semester, I did not gain any weight back, but I did not really lose any more until December. By January, after my first semester at Sam, I had lost ten more pounds reaching my year weight loss of 40 pounds. I was so thrilled... and scarred. I went from getting made fun of by guys to getting hit on by guys. I had always wished that would happen, but when it did I did not know what to do. I realized that was a big reason why I stayed heavy until I was 19. I was not ready for a relationship. I was extremely frightened actually. I did not like guys looking at me. It scarred me. I had to come to grips that I wanted to meet my goal weight, and being hit on by guys was just going to happen. In this last semester, I was able to lose 10 more pounds, bringing my overall weight loss to 50 pounds. I was finally able to suck up my fear of relationships and start dating. I felt like I was finally strong enough to do so.

During this summer break, I had realized that I am getting more and more closer to my weight loss goal of 135 pounds. I have lost 10 more pounds so far and so fast too. I want to get to this so bad. I will be so proud of myself when I meet this goal.

I started this blog to help myself chart the last bit of weight I need to lose. During this blog I will finish! I am so exctited. Welcome to my journey.