Fake ID

In all honesty if jean sizes and scales did not exist, I would not know I have lost so much weight. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a little change once in a while. Unless I am looking at a picture at my complete heaviest, I really do not see it. It is not that I dont know I have lost weight. It is just I see myself everyday, so it is more of a subtle change for me than someone that has not seen me in a year.

 I have realized that people that have lost a lot of weight, really do need the pats on the back. Most of us dont really have the most honest body image. We either think we are thinner than we really are, or heavier. Most people that have lost weight or are in the process of losing weight still probably think they are alot heavier looking than they actually are. What helps us weight losers are people that tell us they notice a difference. That little encouragement goes so far. It keeps me going. This brings me to the coolest story ever.

So I tried to buy alcohol the other day and guess what happened? The cashier refused my ID. "Why?' you might ask. Ok, Ok I'll tell you. He refused my ID because I do not look like my picture. I do not look like the picture of the chubby girl (2 years ago Shannon) in my ID photo. HECK YES!

It took that cashier to refuse my license for me to realize I had changed my whole self. I am in no way the same girl that posed for that picture in my license. I am sure that cashier did not know that the simple denial of my license made my day. I am so happy. I have always hated that license photo and for someone to tell me that I did not look like that girl in the photo made me feel like a huge brick had been lifted off my shoulders. I am not that girl anymore. I am stronger, wiser, and healthier. I am Shannon

Dear Last 5 Pounds,

Dear Last 5 Pounds,

I have ran,  I have pulled-up, and the most serious action: I have sweat! What more do you want from me? I am following all the last requests you have of me before you said you would go away. I'm ready for your exit, but you are taking your sweet little time. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't want you anymore. It's not you, it's me.

I'm just not 'feeling' you any more and to be honest, I think you are kind of weighing me down.  I will miss you in a 'what didn't kill me, made me stronger' kind of way...I guess you were convenient at the time. I could walk by construction workers without them cat calling, but most importantly, we had some yummy times. I could eat what ever I wanted, but man you are hungry.

I had made the hard decision of terminating you. It was tough, because I knew I would have to sacrifice a lot to get you to go away.

I have worked so hard the past year and a half. Now its just a waiting game. If I wanted to use puns, I would say its a "weighting" game, but I do not want to right now. No, this is tough Shannon.

Now, I know its hard to leave me. I took very good care of you. I fed you well. However, for the last year and a half I have tortured you. You hate fruit! You hate salad! You hate running, it makes you jiggle! I would have thought you would of packed up and left by now.

I am writing you to warn you the torture will never end. Until you leave, I will make your life hell.

Sincerely Shannon,

PS: We are running tomorrow.

You People Suck

Throughout my weight loss journey, I have experienced a lot of changes. In the last year, I have swam in so many pant sizes, tied up so many drawstrings, and darted so many dresses. These changes came a little bit each day, slowly getting me used to my new life. However there is one thing that I just got punched in the face with.

I have been on a constant weight loss wagon in which not only do I track my progress, but other people in my life do as well.  Not too long ago, if I wanted Taco Bell, there was always someone to say " Are you still on your diet?" ........
I would reply with "Damn. Fine, I will have one fresco taco and a water".

You know guys, sometimes I just want to eat something 'bad'. My people will not let me. They constantly let me know to "keep up the good work" which if anyone is still losing weight knows that really means "I have noticed you have lost weight, but you still need to lose more". It's ok, They dont know any better.

A year ago in my fat naive mind, I thought getting this close to my goal would be monsterous. People would ask me "How did you do it?" and say things like "You are my inspiration". Now, I am not saying I have not heard these things during my weight loss journey, but I thought it would be a flood of compliments. Most importantly I thought I would not have any more cynical talk from people. I thought my life would mirror a 'Biggest Loser' finale. I wanted confetti to fall on me while my parents cry in complete joy while holding a huge check. I wanted people wanting to know exactly what I did so they could follow in my example. What I got was a punch in the face of reality.

People are going to be proud of you and supportive until you actually look thin. Then all the 'great jobs' and 'wow, you look greats' disapear. Why? I am still doing well. Why thou not you compliment me still?
Something changed. I am now not in the category of people that other people think they need to compliment anymore. They assume I have heard it all before and I know how good I look. Wake up people, I still want the compliments! I did not run so hard until I hit the kitchen tile to get quiet smiles of validation. I need the "you look greats"!

Now, I am not saying people are ignoring my weight loss. I am just saying it is coming in different forms. I went from "keep it ups!" to " you need to eat something". What?! Dont you people know I worked hard for this loss. I do not understand how they can see me losing 60 pounds by healthy eating and excersise, but the second I am 'thin', I lost the weight by starving myself.

Oh yeah, get ready weight losers. When you get thin, people start throwing jokes about eating disorders. I was hungry the other day, and my father jokes "let me get you the cracker and grape". Why all of the sudden I cant be thin? All of these "keep it ups" to enforce me to get to my goal weight, which I still have not met. Now everybody is telling me when I finally do meet this goal, I will be too thin?? This does not make sense!

No sense, I tell ya!

I am not a real-life 90's sitcom sidekick anymore

In any 90's family sitcom,the main character always had a less succesfull friend. To name a few, Boy Meets World had Shawn Hunter, Fresh Prince of Bell-Air had DJ Jazzy Jeff, and Full House had Kimmy Gibbler.  They were never created to steal the show, but mostly there to help shine light on the main character. This friend would usually be the comic relief. When one of these characters was in a scene, they stole the show. However, they were never meant to be a huge character.

Now some of these characters did end up getting top billing on the shows. The reason why is because viewers like the underdog. The other characters on the show would usually make fun of them alot. This made the viewer want to root for the sidekick. A great example is Steve Urkel. In the first two seasons of Family Matters, Urkel would be in an episode once and awhile for a scene or two. He would constantly be told to "Go Home" or "Shut Up". However, other than being annoying, he was actually a very pleasant guy. He always had a smile on his face and he never said a bad word about anyone. Even though the family let it be known they found him annoying, he still showed nothing but love and compasion to all of them. Urkel ended up being the main character of the show because he never let the other characters knock him down. The viewer was able to look at the situation from the outside and see that they personally had nothing against Steve Urkel. It was the viewers job to root for Steve, because no one else would.

I grew up watching all of these shows with the underlying message that if you were eccentric or different, you fell in the sidekick role. D.J Tanner on Full House had a best friend that no one in the house liked. She was funny, different, and stole the show whenever she entered the scene. It really did not make any sense that the family did not like Kimmy Gibler. She was a good kid, but she was friends with D.J Tanner. D.J had the best hair, the best grades, and the cutest boyfriend. How could Kimmy even compare?

Since I could remember, I was always best friends with the "top dog". They were the ones that got first in the talent show, or got crowned prom queen. I was a normal kid. I had some accomplishments and some failures. I had some A's and some F's. I was good at many things, but never as good as the person that would sit next to me. I always fell just a little bit short in everything I did. I was the "Kimmy Gibbler" for everyone. I was the girl that had potential but never followed through. I was the best friend that made the other feel good about themself. In any comparison of who was better at anything, I would purposely fall short. I was there to make the other one look good.

At the age of 24, I have realized this challenge will never leave me. I will always be given the "top dogs" in my life. However my job is to not fall short to help them continue their sucess. I have learned that alot of teen "top dogs" fizzle when they get older. Why would they put effort in something if they never had to before?

I realize now that being " Kimmy Gibbler" had taught me alot for my future. I had to learn how to succeed with more effort than the "D.J Tanners" or the "Tapangas" had to. All the cries I had to my mother about how I had to spend 5 hours on homework to get the same grade that my best friend got for spending 20 minutes on, ended up helping me in the long run. I was learning the real world at a very young age. This sucked might I add. I had to watch my best friends throughout the years win awards, get boyfriends, and make honor roll while I sat in a sylvan labs and got teased by boys. I wished I had the amazing life my other friends seemed to have. However, I realized that I am thankful for never being the "top dog" in my life already, because that would mean my day would have already come and gone.

I like that I have my time still on its way. When it does come to me, I will not let it leave me. I have worked so hard to not be a "Kimmy Gibbler" and I am glad that I am now a girl that makes sure that everyday is better than the next. I am a girl that works hard for her sucesses and never lets them float away. I am not a 90's sitcom sidekick anymore. I am a main character in my own life. I am a "Shannon Seaback".

He's Got The Whole World In His...

As I blew out my candles on the last delicious thing I would eat in a very long time, I made a wish to myself to find out what my life would be like happy and healthy. I did not want to spend any more days being the Shannon I was. For the first time ever, I committed my life to myself. I dreamed that the day I would make it to this point. I would have everything together. I envisioned myself not having any problems at all.


However, I learned through out this whole journey that there are just some things that I can not control. I have gotten pretty stubborn in thinking that I can make anything happen. I made myself thin. I thought that was all I needed to be a complete person. My father had always aquatinted being thin with being happy. I guess at some point in my life I adapted that theory as my own. I thought I should now never take no for an answer. I thought I could always make things turn my way if I just tried as hard as I can.

This obsession of making everything go my way turned me into the most neurotic control freak in the world. However, instead of what I would of done when I was heavier, which was take things as they are, I took it to another level and decided to never let things fall out of my hands.

In some ways my neurotic tendencies have really helped me. It helped me continue to lose weight because plateaus are tough. I needed this 'not going to stop until I finish' mood for that goal.  However, this new sense of thinking sometimes hurts more than helps.

I'll explain.

I thought I could make my life the fairy tale I dreamed as I did when I was a chubby 10 year old doing step aerobics. I had the chances now. I have the body, the new confidence, and the new experiences to make my life exactly how I want it. However, as I get older I realize that it does not matter what I look like, who I am, and how hard I worked to be this person, my life has never really been in my hands.

Now do not get me wrong, I know I have a say in how my life is. I wanted to lose weight, so I did. I wanted to move to LA, so I did. I want my all dreams to become a reality, so I work hard. Those things are in my control. There are some things in the world I can definitely control. I control when I eat, when I sleep, what I wear, and who I am. However, there are some things I cannot control. I cannot control what people think of me. I cannot control who I meet. I cannot control who I love. I cannot control who loves me. Some parts of my life are just never going to be in my hands. This scarred me for a short while recently because I thought I could make situations happen regardless of if the signs just told me "wait". This drove me near insane trying to control how people felt about me and how they saw me.

I realize now that the best thing I can do for myself is to stop trying to make my world happen because it's already happened. I have a great life. I trust where its going. I know my life is not in my hands, but it is in hands. It is very big hands. The hands that watch over all of us. I realize now and today as I type that I had given myself to much power on how my life has been and realize now that my life has already been planned for me. I am supposed to be Shannon Seaback. Thats all I know for now. I know that God and fate has an amazing plan for me because I am already living the plan. With all the good experiences and bad ones, I will still always me. I think I like me.

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'Mo Money, Mo Problems'? It means when you have more, you get more. Good and Bad. I realized that is most likely the most genius phrase ever made. I was thinking about that and realized that ground breaking phrase really explains my life. Now now, do not get me wrong. I am a broke acting student that buys generic peas. Green Giant is just a brand. I am not talking about money. 'Mo Money, Mo Problems' explains many aspects of life. In my case, weight loss. The thinner and healthier I got, the more life I gained. Metaphorically and physically. Most likely I have gained years to my life by lowering my BMI ten points, but even more importantly I gained life experiences. Good and Bad.

When I was younger starting this journey, I thought life was going to be Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows. I was going to get thin and everyone was going to love me. I would have a perfect relationship with everyone I knew and it would be all due to me being thin. Now I realize that bringing in new experiences, such as weight loss, brought in good and bad experiences with it. Now of course I am happy that I lost my weight. I would not be the woman I am today without learning how to take care of myself and changing my life for the better. However this experience has also been a huge slap of reality for me because I realize life never ends until it does. I will always have struggles. Maybe I wont struggle anymore with weight, but I could with something completely different or new. Life is always full of experiences. My weight problems were always my main problem growing up, so I made myself completely oblivious to other problems that life brings. Now, I see there are other things that I will always battle.

Being overweight my whole life made me always feel I needed to be the entertainer. I thought I needed to compensate for my outer appearance, so I made sure to be the comic relief at all times. This never went away. I am now a thin girl with a fat girls humor. I am always so animated and goofy. I actually have a problem with being serious. This was alot more acceptable when I was heavier. Some people now just seem to think I am trying to show off or get more attention. The strangest thing of all of this is the things I used to do to make people laugh, now just makes some of them talk behind my back. It is not as accepting anymore to always be a character, when you no longer look the part.

I realize now losing weight is a lot like getting a job promotion. We all are capable of doing it, it is just if we have the motivation to do so. 'Mo Money, Mo Problems' is now my new catch phrase when people ask me about my weight loss. People always want to know how it feels and I can not exactly tell you how it feels, because it did not happen over night. It was a gradual growth. However I will say once more that life never ends until it does. We will always be given good and bad experiences in our lives, it is what we make out of it.

Never Thought I Would Get This Far

On my 19th birthday, I went to the doctors for my yearly check-up. As I stepped on the dreaded scale, my weight managed to even shock the nurse. At 5'5, I was 216 pounds . I had come to grips that I was big, but I didnt think I was THAT big. I was mortified, terrified..any other fied . How could I have gotten to this weight? Needless to say I had a revelation. I, at the age of 19, could not fathom that I could be this weight for any longer. I had to do something. Not just for vanity, but for my well being. I did not want to spend my whole life wondering what I would be like thin, or what oportunities I could have.

My father has been heavy my whole life. Since I have known him, he has just excepted that he was heavy and that there was not anything he could do about it. I realized I was adapting this train of thought. Its easier to think its beyond my control, than actually doing something about it. I had to realize I was not the victim, I was the culprit. I did this to myself, and I can undo this to myself. I had no idea what I was getting into. What got me to the gym is the fantasy of what it would be like to be thin. I was ready to experience a new world.

I started by doing the South Beach Diet for the first two weeks. I did not want to do something nuts like the cabbage soup diet. I wanted to just get a jump start, but be able to keep the weight off. In one month I lost 20 pounds. I was so happy. My motivation was finally up. I CAN do this. I CAN lose weight just like everybody else. I had thought that my body was this slow crappy shell that could not lose weight unless under drastic extreme measures, like not eating for a week. I could not believe that I was actually losing weight eating five small meals a day and working out for an hour 5-6 days a week. It was not as tough as I had thought. Food was not the enemy. I was. I was the one that kept me heavy.