However, I learned through out this whole journey that there are just some things that I can not control. I have gotten pretty stubborn in thinking that I can make anything happen. I made myself thin. I thought that was all I needed to be a complete person. My father had always aquatinted being thin with being happy. I guess at some point in my life I adapted that theory as my own. I thought I should now never take no for an answer. I thought I could always make things turn my way if I just tried as hard as I can.
This obsession of making everything go my way turned me into the most neurotic control freak in the world. However, instead of what I would of done when I was heavier, which was take things as they are, I took it to another level and decided to never let things fall out of my hands.
In some ways my neurotic tendencies have really helped me. It helped me continue to lose weight because plateaus are tough. I needed this 'not going to stop until I finish' mood for that goal. However, this new sense of thinking sometimes hurts more than helps.
I'll explain.
I thought I could make my life the fairy tale I dreamed as I did when I was a chubby 10 year old doing step aerobics. I had the chances now. I have the body, the new confidence, and the new experiences to make my life exactly how I want it. However, as I get older I realize that it does not matter what I look like, who I am, and how hard I worked to be this person, my life has never really been in my hands.
Now do not get me wrong, I know I have a say in how my life is. I wanted to lose weight, so I did. I wanted to move to LA, so I did. I want my all dreams to become a reality, so I work hard. Those things are in my control. There are some things in the world I can definitely control. I control when I eat, when I sleep, what I wear, and who I am. However, there are some things I cannot control. I cannot control what people think of me. I cannot control who I meet. I cannot control who I love. I cannot control who loves me. Some parts of my life are just never going to be in my hands. This scarred me for a short while recently because I thought I could make situations happen regardless of if the signs just told me "wait". This drove me near insane trying to control how people felt about me and how they saw me.
I realize now that the best thing I can do for myself is to stop trying to make my world happen because it's already happened. I have a great life. I trust where its going. I know my life is not in my hands, but it is in hands. It is very big hands. The hands that watch over all of us. I realize now and today as I type that I had given myself to much power on how my life has been and realize now that my life has already been planned for me. I am supposed to be Shannon Seaback. Thats all I know for now. I know that God and fate has an amazing plan for me because I am already living the plan. With all the good experiences and bad ones, I will still always me. I think I like me.
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